"Okay." He hides his face in Peter's neck, awkward as it is to do it at this angle, but it feels a little easier to accept it if he doesn't have to face the rest of the world right now. To say things if he doesn't have to focus on anything but Peter. "Long as you're here. Love you," this time almost apologetic, because Jason doesn't have any helpful words to give back right now, but at least he can make up a little for the hundred times he should have said it before and didn't.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry it took me this long to get here but I was so scared -- maybe you didn't want to see me." He gives half a laugh, a noise choked with tears as he buries his face against Jason's neck. "Nadia told me to stop being such a little bitch and get my ass in here."
Jason's laugh isn't much more than a huff, but it's something. "It's okay. I don't blame you, I've been pretty fucking awful to you this year." Longer, depending on which part of his shit they're talking about, but instead of dragging them down that rabbit hole he just holds on tighter. "And I would've taken a lot longer to get my shit together and call, so. You're here, the rest of it doesn't matter."
"I should never have given you an ultimatum. I should have given you more time. But we were going to go off to college and I just -- " Peter bites his lip and shakes his head a little, rubbing a hand over Jason's back.
"I just wanted it to be real. It was getting harder and harder to pretend like I wasn't so in love with you it was an ache. -- still am in love with you, like that. But I shouldn't have pushed as hard as I did."
"If you didn't -- I don't know what would have happened." He probably wouldn't have ended it, wouldn't have slept with Ivy (and god, there's a consequence of Jason's whole spiral that he still hasn't had the energy to think about). But Jason's best-case-scenario version of the future has always been one where maybe they manage to have a good time in college before one of them gives in to the inevitable, and then Peter's willing to stay in touch after it had to end. He's not sure it would have gone much better if that had all come to a head after they left. "And I could've given you more. Could've been willing to talk about it, at least."
He pulls back enough that he can reach out and touch Peter's cheek, urging him to look up with a touch so Jason can see his face. "It's -- you know it's always been real, right? I think you're one of the only things in my life that ever has felt real."
And that's what he was worried about. That they'd keep sneaking around all through college and then once they graduated... then what. They'd go their separate ways, maybe. Maybe stay in touch, if they were lucky. Jason would find a nice girl and settle down, and Peter would be left alone.
"It's always been real for me too, Jason, but you know that's not what I mean. I wanted it to be real for everyone. I wanted something beyond stolen kisses in locker rooms and whispering I love you beyond locked doors."
"I know. I just--" It takes a second, jaw working, before Jason can even figure out what he's trying to say, let alone how he can possibly say it. He's not good at talking about his feelings, it's much easier to just keep things to himself, but it's kind of hard to look at how upset Peter's been and not feel like he needs to try and change that if this is going to work.
"... If it's real for everyone, then other people could ruin it for us and there wouldn't be anything left. I get it now, I think, but. I didn't, before. I don't know if it would have made a difference if I did, but I didn't really understand... any of it until you were gone."
"There will always be that chance. There will always be a possibility that someone will come along and want to ruin what we have. But that's not important," he insists, reaching up to touch Jason's cheek. Searching his face for something, he's not sure quite what. "What's important is that we stay strong enough to stay together, despite that."
"I know." Jason's smile is sad and tired, and he closes his eyes, leaning into Peter's touch. "Kinda took the long way around to get there, and I can't promise I won't forget sometimes. But I get it now."
"If you forget, I'll be there to remind you. Always." Peter exhales a sigh of relief and rests their foreheads together. Needing all the contact he can get. "As long as we're together, the rest is just... details. Little things we can figure out along the way."
"Yeah." It's almost weird to hear it and feel like he believes it -- but Peter's still here after everything, and right now that's enough of a miracle that Jason does believe him, at least for now.
He sits up a little, pulling away enough to pat the bed next to him. "Just -- come here? For a little while?" he adds, quiet and hopeful. Peter's not the only one who needs the contact right now.
Peter moves to sit next to Jason on the bed, one arm slipping around his waist, his nose against Jason's neck. Breathing him in. Needing this closeness. "I'll stay as long as you need me to," he promises, taking Jason's hand and twining their fingers together.
A little more tension slips out of Jason's shoulders as he wraps his arm around Peter, trying not to cling too tightly. "I don't think visiting hours last that long." It's supposed to be a joke; it really doesn't sound like one, and Jason swallows, brushing a kiss against Peter's temple and then just leaning against him. "God," he says, more quietly, "I missed you."
"Until they kick me out, then." It's amazing, that Jason is letting him be this close. Is kissing him, even just on the temple, in the middle of a public place. He'd be proud if it didn't break his heart so much.
"I missed you too, Jason. I've missed you since we broke up. There was never a day that I didn't think about you."
There's a kick of guilt at the mention of the break-up, of his unbelievably stupid decision to end things, and Jason hides his face against Peter for a second, mumbling, "Sorry," before he can stop himself.
"Me too. You -- I spent the whole break just wishing I could talk to you. This whole time, really."
"Maybe I should have fought harder to stay with you. But it's sort of pointless to think about, now. What happened is what happened, and we just need to move forward with what we have now."
He's ready to argue, to take the blame, but -- what Peter says makes sense. So he swallows the words and nods instead, fiddling with Peter's fingers, the fidgeting the biggest sign of the guilt he can't quite shove down as easily. "Yeah. We'll figure it out."
"Hey," he says, softly. Pressing a kiss to those nervously fidgeting fingers. "We'll make this work somehow, okay? Doesn't matter what I have to do to keep you this time around. I'll -- work three jobs if it comes down to it. But I'm sticking by you."
"I'm not gonna leave it all on you like that." He shakes his head, and then presses another kiss against Peter's temple, squeezing his hand. "Together, right? You're not doing it alone. Anyway, you've got -- plans, and college, and all of that. You don't have to derail your whole life just because I crashed mine."
"College can wait for a bit. I need it to wait for a bit. God, Jason, I almost lost you, I can't -- I can't think about college right now." He rubs a hand over his face and sighs. "I just want to be with you for a while. I'll feel better once I know you're doing okay."
"I'm not-- I'm just saying, you don't have to make all the plans, okay?" And kind of butchering it, but honestly, at this point, that's not even a surprise. This is probably the longest Jason's actually tried to have a conversation with someone who wasn't a doctor since he woke up, and he knows his head is all over the place right now. "I'm not going anywhere anymore, that's all."
He's pretty sure he still can't say he's okay and actually get Peter to believe it, but he at least means that much.
There's a hopeful little skip to his heart, at that promise. That Jason isn't going anywhere. And as much as Peter wants to take care of Jason, Jason's right. "We can make plans together," he offers, quietly. Hopefully. Nervous and scared, yes, but god also so hopeful.
"We can. You've got me." He smiles, a little shakily, with the same quiet, nervous hope reflecting back. "I just want to be with you," he adds, echoing Peter's words, even more quietly. It still doesn't feel like enough -- he can't help feeling like he should be doing something to make up for the way he's never been able to even think about any kind of future before -- but Jason couldn't even start to figure out what would be enough, so it's what he has.
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"I just wanted it to be real. It was getting harder and harder to pretend like I wasn't so in love with you it was an ache. -- still am in love with you, like that. But I shouldn't have pushed as hard as I did."
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He pulls back enough that he can reach out and touch Peter's cheek, urging him to look up with a touch so Jason can see his face. "It's -- you know it's always been real, right? I think you're one of the only things in my life that ever has felt real."
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"It's always been real for me too, Jason, but you know that's not what I mean. I wanted it to be real for everyone. I wanted something beyond stolen kisses in locker rooms and whispering I love you beyond locked doors."
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"... If it's real for everyone, then other people could ruin it for us and there wouldn't be anything left. I get it now, I think, but. I didn't, before. I don't know if it would have made a difference if I did, but I didn't really understand... any of it until you were gone."
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He sits up a little, pulling away enough to pat the bed next to him. "Just -- come here? For a little while?" he adds, quiet and hopeful. Peter's not the only one who needs the contact right now.
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"I missed you too, Jason. I've missed you since we broke up. There was never a day that I didn't think about you."
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"Me too. You -- I spent the whole break just wishing I could talk to you. This whole time, really."
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He's pretty sure he still can't say he's okay and actually get Peter to believe it, but he at least means that much.
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