"It's okay..." It's not, but it can be. Will be okay, some day. He rests his forehead against Jason's and holds his hand as tightly as he dares. Worried that Jason is still fragile, still recovering.
"It's going to be okay," he amends, quietly, resting his hand over Jason's where it sits against his cheek. "I love you too much not to be here. And I'm going to take care of you. If you'll let me."
"I don't need you to," Jason starts, and then stops, because he probably can't get away with that right now. Almost dying pretty much ruins all his credibility in playing okay, and anyway, when he puts it that way it sounds like he doesn't want Peter. And that's not it, it's just--
"It's too much. I don't have any idea what I'm doing from here. You shouldn't have to put up with all that."
"Not if it's you." His smile is sad. Still broken. But he can manage a smile, at least. "When are you going to get it, Jason? I've loved you since we were twelve years old. That's not going to stop.
You fucked up. I'm not going to pretend you didn't. But we can make it better. Together. We can heal together. Because God knows I need your help healing from this, too."
"I don't know how." Jason's voice cracks, and he can't hold the tears back anymore. It's a kind of step forward that he doesn't pull away when he starts crying; he's always been inclined to shut himself off, needed Peter to coax him into being comforted, but all he wants is Peter near him and he doesn't have the strength to make himself move. "I don't know how to help you, or make any of this better, or... or stop waiting for the day we grow up and all of this has to end."
"It doesn't have to end, Jason. That's what I keep trying to tell you. This isn't just -- a fling. It's who we are. It's who I am, I know that. I'm gay, and that's not something that isn't going to change.
You're more than just some teenage fantasy to me, Jason. You're the man I love, and I will tell every single person in the world that. Sister Chantelle told me that God doesn't make mistakes and I know now that that's true. He didn't make a mistake with us, Jason. This is who we're meant to be."
"How are you so sure?" His hand grips Peter's tighter, something desperate in the clinging hold, in the tone of his voice. "I want to believe you. I want to."
But that has to hold up to years of knowing down to his very core that everything he is and wants is wrong, and right now that feels like a losing battle.
"I feel like if a nun tells me that God says we're going to be okay, that's something. She would know, right?" He tries to laugh through his tears, shaking his head a little.
"I'm not sure, that's the thing. I don't know that it's going to be okay. I don't know what your parents are going to do. I know that my dad has barely spoken to me and my mom keeps treating it like her own personal failing as a parent, but -- " Peter sighs and presses a kiss to Jason's knuckles. Like that will help heal him, somehow. "I know Nadia's on our side. I know that Sister Chantelle is. Maybe she can talk to your parents, I don't know.
But what I do know is that there is strength in what we have. And if we hold on tightly enough to each other, we can make it through anything."
Maybe it should make things worse, but it's actually kind of a relief to hear that Peter's not sure, either. If Peter can keep saying it, keep trying to believe it, without really being sure, then Jason can at least try.
"Okay." He still sounds more unsure than he wants to, but he nods, just enough for Peter to feel the motion with how close they still are. "Okay."
He goes quiet for a few seconds, and then sighs. "My parents are... they're going to send me to rehab, probably, because it'll make them look good. Then they'll kick me out and tell people I wasn't willing to 'give up my self-destructive lifestyle'." The quotes are practically audible. Jason tries to smile, like it doesn't bother him, but it doesn't really work. "They're pretty predictable."
"Then -- forget your parents. You can come live with me. I'll talk to my mom, and we'll make it work. Somehow, we'll make it work. We'll get you feeling better. Actually better, not whatever they're going to try to 'fix' for you in rehab.
Jason, I'm not going to lie, it's going to be hard. Of course it is. It can't not be. But I'm willing to go through whatever it takes if it means we can be happy again.
But I need -- " He bites his lip against a fresh bout of tears. "I need you with me on this. No more pretending. No more hiding. After what we've been through, it would absolutely kill me to go back to playing the best friend again."
Jason goes rigid, stomach dropping, terrified at the very idea of it. Logically, there's nothing left to be scared of. His parents know. They've graduated. Notre Dame is a bust, since it's not like his parents are going to pay for it anymore. But the instinct is there, warring against the other instinct to immediately promise anything, whatever Peter needs if it means he'll stay, because he can't start promising things and go back on them later. Not when it's this important.
He takes a deep breath, almost visibly trying to fight through it. "I want -- I want to. I can try, I'm just. I'm still a fucking coward," he finishes, with a surge of bitterness he doesn't really mean to be there. All directed at himself, of course, because it's not Peter's fault that Jason's fucked up over this.
"I'm not going to pretend like this doesn't terrify me, too. But I'm willing to do it anyway, Jason, because I want to be with you. And it may take us trying a million different things before we get it to work, but I'm willing to do that, too."
Slowly, carefully, he lets go of Jason's hand to wrap his arms around him. Gently, like Jason might shatter if he holds too tight. "Please don't give up on us. Not yet. Not if what you said that night was true."
He's still stiff at first, even as he shakes his head, as his arms come up to wrap around Peter in return. "I love you." It comes easier, this time, less hesitation, and with it it's like a switch is flipped, and Jason practically collapses into Peter, almost clinging to him.
"I'll -- whatever I can do, I'll do it. I'll try," he amends, because he still doesn't want to set Peter up to agree to this on false hope, doesn't want Peter to end up regretting it. "No more hiding. And the rest of it, we'll just... we'll figure out."
"I love you so much, Jason," Peter sighs, clinging tight to Jason. "I know you'll try. We both will. And it may take a while, to work through things. To work everything out. To figure out what we're doing, where we're going. But we'll do it."
"Okay." He hides his face in Peter's neck, awkward as it is to do it at this angle, but it feels a little easier to accept it if he doesn't have to face the rest of the world right now. To say things if he doesn't have to focus on anything but Peter. "Long as you're here. Love you," this time almost apologetic, because Jason doesn't have any helpful words to give back right now, but at least he can make up a little for the hundred times he should have said it before and didn't.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry it took me this long to get here but I was so scared -- maybe you didn't want to see me." He gives half a laugh, a noise choked with tears as he buries his face against Jason's neck. "Nadia told me to stop being such a little bitch and get my ass in here."
Jason's laugh isn't much more than a huff, but it's something. "It's okay. I don't blame you, I've been pretty fucking awful to you this year." Longer, depending on which part of his shit they're talking about, but instead of dragging them down that rabbit hole he just holds on tighter. "And I would've taken a lot longer to get my shit together and call, so. You're here, the rest of it doesn't matter."
"I should never have given you an ultimatum. I should have given you more time. But we were going to go off to college and I just -- " Peter bites his lip and shakes his head a little, rubbing a hand over Jason's back.
"I just wanted it to be real. It was getting harder and harder to pretend like I wasn't so in love with you it was an ache. -- still am in love with you, like that. But I shouldn't have pushed as hard as I did."
"If you didn't -- I don't know what would have happened." He probably wouldn't have ended it, wouldn't have slept with Ivy (and god, there's a consequence of Jason's whole spiral that he still hasn't had the energy to think about). But Jason's best-case-scenario version of the future has always been one where maybe they manage to have a good time in college before one of them gives in to the inevitable, and then Peter's willing to stay in touch after it had to end. He's not sure it would have gone much better if that had all come to a head after they left. "And I could've given you more. Could've been willing to talk about it, at least."
He pulls back enough that he can reach out and touch Peter's cheek, urging him to look up with a touch so Jason can see his face. "It's -- you know it's always been real, right? I think you're one of the only things in my life that ever has felt real."
And that's what he was worried about. That they'd keep sneaking around all through college and then once they graduated... then what. They'd go their separate ways, maybe. Maybe stay in touch, if they were lucky. Jason would find a nice girl and settle down, and Peter would be left alone.
"It's always been real for me too, Jason, but you know that's not what I mean. I wanted it to be real for everyone. I wanted something beyond stolen kisses in locker rooms and whispering I love you beyond locked doors."
"I know. I just--" It takes a second, jaw working, before Jason can even figure out what he's trying to say, let alone how he can possibly say it. He's not good at talking about his feelings, it's much easier to just keep things to himself, but it's kind of hard to look at how upset Peter's been and not feel like he needs to try and change that if this is going to work.
"... If it's real for everyone, then other people could ruin it for us and there wouldn't be anything left. I get it now, I think, but. I didn't, before. I don't know if it would have made a difference if I did, but I didn't really understand... any of it until you were gone."
"There will always be that chance. There will always be a possibility that someone will come along and want to ruin what we have. But that's not important," he insists, reaching up to touch Jason's cheek. Searching his face for something, he's not sure quite what. "What's important is that we stay strong enough to stay together, despite that."
"I know." Jason's smile is sad and tired, and he closes his eyes, leaning into Peter's touch. "Kinda took the long way around to get there, and I can't promise I won't forget sometimes. But I get it now."
"If you forget, I'll be there to remind you. Always." Peter exhales a sigh of relief and rests their foreheads together. Needing all the contact he can get. "As long as we're together, the rest is just... details. Little things we can figure out along the way."
"Yeah." It's almost weird to hear it and feel like he believes it -- but Peter's still here after everything, and right now that's enough of a miracle that Jason does believe him, at least for now.
He sits up a little, pulling away enough to pat the bed next to him. "Just -- come here? For a little while?" he adds, quiet and hopeful. Peter's not the only one who needs the contact right now.
Peter moves to sit next to Jason on the bed, one arm slipping around his waist, his nose against Jason's neck. Breathing him in. Needing this closeness. "I'll stay as long as you need me to," he promises, taking Jason's hand and twining their fingers together.
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"It's going to be okay," he amends, quietly, resting his hand over Jason's where it sits against his cheek. "I love you too much not to be here. And I'm going to take care of you. If you'll let me."
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"It's too much. I don't have any idea what I'm doing from here. You shouldn't have to put up with all that."
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You fucked up. I'm not going to pretend you didn't. But we can make it better. Together. We can heal together. Because God knows I need your help healing from this, too."
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You're more than just some teenage fantasy to me, Jason. You're the man I love, and I will tell every single person in the world that. Sister Chantelle told me that God doesn't make mistakes and I know now that that's true. He didn't make a mistake with us, Jason. This is who we're meant to be."
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But that has to hold up to years of knowing down to his very core that everything he is and wants is wrong, and right now that feels like a losing battle.
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"I'm not sure, that's the thing. I don't know that it's going to be okay. I don't know what your parents are going to do. I know that my dad has barely spoken to me and my mom keeps treating it like her own personal failing as a parent, but -- " Peter sighs and presses a kiss to Jason's knuckles. Like that will help heal him, somehow. "I know Nadia's on our side. I know that Sister Chantelle is. Maybe she can talk to your parents, I don't know.
But what I do know is that there is strength in what we have. And if we hold on tightly enough to each other, we can make it through anything."
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"Okay." He still sounds more unsure than he wants to, but he nods, just enough for Peter to feel the motion with how close they still are. "Okay."
He goes quiet for a few seconds, and then sighs. "My parents are... they're going to send me to rehab, probably, because it'll make them look good. Then they'll kick me out and tell people I wasn't willing to 'give up my self-destructive lifestyle'." The quotes are practically audible. Jason tries to smile, like it doesn't bother him, but it doesn't really work. "They're pretty predictable."
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Jason, I'm not going to lie, it's going to be hard. Of course it is. It can't not be. But I'm willing to go through whatever it takes if it means we can be happy again.
But I need -- " He bites his lip against a fresh bout of tears. "I need you with me on this. No more pretending. No more hiding. After what we've been through, it would absolutely kill me to go back to playing the best friend again."
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He takes a deep breath, almost visibly trying to fight through it. "I want -- I want to. I can try, I'm just. I'm still a fucking coward," he finishes, with a surge of bitterness he doesn't really mean to be there. All directed at himself, of course, because it's not Peter's fault that Jason's fucked up over this.
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Slowly, carefully, he lets go of Jason's hand to wrap his arms around him. Gently, like Jason might shatter if he holds too tight. "Please don't give up on us. Not yet. Not if what you said that night was true."
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"I'll -- whatever I can do, I'll do it. I'll try," he amends, because he still doesn't want to set Peter up to agree to this on false hope, doesn't want Peter to end up regretting it. "No more hiding. And the rest of it, we'll just... we'll figure out."
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"I just wanted it to be real. It was getting harder and harder to pretend like I wasn't so in love with you it was an ache. -- still am in love with you, like that. But I shouldn't have pushed as hard as I did."
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He pulls back enough that he can reach out and touch Peter's cheek, urging him to look up with a touch so Jason can see his face. "It's -- you know it's always been real, right? I think you're one of the only things in my life that ever has felt real."
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"It's always been real for me too, Jason, but you know that's not what I mean. I wanted it to be real for everyone. I wanted something beyond stolen kisses in locker rooms and whispering I love you beyond locked doors."
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"... If it's real for everyone, then other people could ruin it for us and there wouldn't be anything left. I get it now, I think, but. I didn't, before. I don't know if it would have made a difference if I did, but I didn't really understand... any of it until you were gone."
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He sits up a little, pulling away enough to pat the bed next to him. "Just -- come here? For a little while?" he adds, quiet and hopeful. Peter's not the only one who needs the contact right now.
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